Ron: “Just back from Cedar Rapids. A very good visit, but that is not as important as your message to me below. You are so gifted in exploring your and my bumps, sometimes potholes, rarely sinkholes, more rarely gorges in our being together. But when I really ponder it all, the essence of what we have is unique and a wonder, a reality I find deep and warm. I have been in a sour, sometimes dark place lately, feeling confounded and unsteady in my own skin. Age has something to do with it, as well as feeling not on solid ground among Hungarians. I know well that you are solid and I tend to just shake off temporary down times, when I really know I should share them with you, not burden you with them. It’s hard for me to know the difference when in a funk. I regret that and want us to move through our separate stressors and depressions with more openness. I do cherish you, and want to please you, maybe too much at times, which can lead to self attacks for failing.
I am sad to think you might be experiencing self esteem concerns, to I want to help build that again. You are remarkable in and of yourself; there is proof galore of that, and I am so much a better person for loving you and being loved by you.
On other fronts, :>) , we just had an easy, nice, mostly uncritical threesome on the side porch, listening to the coyotes and birds preparing for their sleep. So there is a balance in my family time here. When we left CR, George made sure to send his best to you. Of course, Martha, Susan and Dick asked after you and were pleased with your / our successes. Chuck Cav was there today and is thinking of Budapest in the Fall. I told him to plan quickly! A really good time with great nephews and nieces in Craig and Karen’s back yard. No big storms coming this week. I went to bed and read a bit last night. Half hour after i turned out the light, M.E. said downpour and loud thunder hit here… i didn’t hear a thing. Aren’t you surprised???
I love you very much. And plan to tell you in person more. And will try not to be shy about asking you to tell me too.”
Ryan: “This was a great note that brought tears to my eyes. Positive tears. I have always viewed you as being able to stand steady in a rocking boat, regardless of how tempestuous the tides, while I am flaying about barely able to maintain staying in the boat while clinging to the sides. You have mentored for me the ability to be more balanced. Any illusions of my being solid are just the Capricorn’s ability to be a good actor and putting on the mask, with gelatinous innards. I know living here is a trial for you at times as it is for me, but the one dragon I don’t have to battle here is being gay. It has not curtailed my professional life like it did in the States where I continually had to overcompensate for who I am and even then at times it was used as a weapon against me. In many ways, living and working here has been so much more holistic.
I hate to bastardize this note by telling you the ladies broke the bed. I am sure this interplay of your mostly positive missives and my string of disasters is fodder for a short story a la Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris, but I am unable to be moved to the black humor of it all at the moment to force up as much as a chuckle. First the trials repeatedly with the computer, waiting full days for guests not knowing when they will arrive, and now a broken bed. I propped the bottom with a glass block and two books. I hesitate getting the other bed out of storage now. B. is taking comprehensive exams and is on anxiety overdrive and I don’t want risking them breaking the other bed besides.
Is a Rx still needed for Prozac there? If not, bring a case back; I need it. After being held hostage all day yesterday, Carole arrived “as scheduled” at 6:45 pm. Lovely British lady teacher from Liverpool. She is thin too!!! To add to the mix, before meeting our larger than life guests, they needed one extra night, but the large room is booked. I suggested I move them to the small room for one night. Yesterday, I realized that the large room has 3 guests, so the sofa bed will have to go there, leaving the small room with one bed. Until this morning, I had thought of giving them our bed for the one night, taking their sheets off of their bed and putting them on our bed and then I would wash the sheets I have been sleeping on. Now that the large room bed is broken, I am rethinking this plan, fearing for the life our bed. I will either let the third person sleep in the small room without an extra charge and move the sofa bed into the kitchen or I will move the single bed into the large room and let the ladies have the sofa bed in the small room. I will have to look at the calendar and see how it works out. If nothing else, teaching critical thinking has sharpened my skills for problem solving. I just wish I did not have to hone those skills all at once. My nerves are frayed.
The computer is supposed to be coming home tomorrow, fixed and in one piece. Hope runs eternal, but I am not betting on anything. The AA mantra “one day at a day” has never been my motto needing instant or at least faster gratification, but I am having to adopt it regardless.
With all that has been happening, I have put off paying bills and did it yesterday. This morning, I received an SMS from Vodafone, which I think states I have one day to pay the bill before they shut off the service. I will have to ask B. for sure. Then he will need to call them for me; it was paid yesterday. Ugh!
From what I have seen from the window, the weather here has been glorious and in the 70s each day for the last week. Someday soon, I anticipate being able to experience it. ; )
On a funny note, all three of these guests have copies of my book and are quoting things that I have written. Then they catch themselves and say “Why am I telling you this, you wrote it.” The little British lady said walking around with my book is like having me by her side. She is delightful.
Have breakfast dishes to clear.”
Ron: “First, i read alec’s note, which is hungarian to me. So decide what is best and easiest for you/us to get a good quality working system again. He didn’t mention just buying a new computer. If that seems best to you, let’s do it. Of course i don’t know all the ramifications- it may mean re-loading all the programs which may be lest time effective for your needs to get writing done and normal busy-ness. If needed, we will withdraw from my TSA. Just do it so one thing will make life better.
Second, most important, your response was more than I could ever have hoped for. You really are the neatest person (aka best person) I know. I really, really wish I was home with you to help get life on track. Looking back, I wish I had added the second set of slats to that bed. It might be a short term response to get them from storage and add them. Or did the whole frame fall apart??? Let one of our projects be to just get another, quality bed as soon as possible. I am sorry you have so much grief going. Remind me over and over to be kind, and understanding, and loving, and full massagy on call, and whatever you like when I get back home with you.
Sorry for this delayed response. We left early on day trips to old river towns and Amish countryside tour on rainy day schedule. Soon to Dorothy’s for supper and cards. L driving OK it seems, but M.E. has to spot oncoming cars at stops, etc. He now need a large magnifying glass to read newspapers. Macular degeneration. I feel for him. When he can’t drive, it’ll be Purgatory and more.”